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more time travel
Had a mildly interesting week last week on vacation. Ironically, I worked harder on my vacation than I normally do at work: I helped my mom finish building her cabin in the mountains, and I helped my dad and his new wife get married on Saturday. Now that I'm back home, my sleep patterns are returning to normal and I'm getting back to my natural, relaxed state.
Also had a meeting with M this afternoon, the one who took me back in time to before my childhood once in a therapy session. It was good to see her again. We talked of standard things, mostly to do with my relationship with B, and she helped me to understand more clearly what my next steps should be. I have another session scheduled for later in June, but depending on how I feel, I may end up cancelling it.
The dilemma this time is different from the traditional one. That is, the detached attitude and approach I've been taking with my life has become considerably more pervasive than I originally thought it would, and I've found that it has spilled over naturally into my relationship. Now, that's not necessarily a bad thing, but M suggested that I might want to be more up front and honest with B about it, as it's her right to know what my honest feelings are about the relationship.
The other face of the dilemma has to do with the day-to-day acting that goes on in the relationship, and whether or not that's meaningful, too. By that, I simply mean that I've found myself slipping into these communication and acting patterns with B that don't really seem real to me anymore. I mean, aside from the fact that nothing really seems real to me anymore, I genuinely don't find myself to be actively engaged in this relationship anymore, except to the extent that I will myself to be. I was curious to know if M thought that basic approach to my relationship was meaningful, and worthwhile discussing with B. She seemed to think that it was, since it may very well represent a radical difference in fundamental feelings and approach in our relationship, and it's not fair not to let B know how I'm really feeling. Add that to the recent discussions we've been having about kids, and... Well, it just seems like we should probably have a good honest talk about all this.
Ach - all challenging stuff, this, especially when you consider that it doesn't really make much of a difference to me whether or not I'm here. Again, returning to the same dilemma, then: Should I be involved in a relationship like this about which I care relatively little in the grand scheme of things? Granted, nothing specific holds much importance to me anymore in and of itself, but what meaning is the relationship to me, really? Is there any harm or good in playing out the charade for B's benefit? Is she aware of my true feelings? Would she be hurt if she knew? Isn't it bad for me not to be honest with her? Am I hurting her in the long run by not being honest today? I've just been carrying on status quo for awhile now, and haven't really discussed any of this with her. I've been scared to hurt her feelings, which is... selfish, and inconsiderate, and probably even insulting to her intelligence and maturity. No matter what happens, I can take it. And so can she. We're both grown adults and we can go through this without killing ourselves. Whatever this will be. I continue to hold out for the best case scenario, as I usually do and as normally becomes the case: I tell her how I feel, she understands, she accepts it, and we continue in peace and harmony as we have basically been doing so far.
AUGH! Then why even raise the topic for discussion?!?!?!
Clearly, I need to think about this some more. It has helped to write out some thoughts about it now, though.
Also had a meeting with M this afternoon, the one who took me back in time to before my childhood once in a therapy session. It was good to see her again. We talked of standard things, mostly to do with my relationship with B, and she helped me to understand more clearly what my next steps should be. I have another session scheduled for later in June, but depending on how I feel, I may end up cancelling it.
The dilemma this time is different from the traditional one. That is, the detached attitude and approach I've been taking with my life has become considerably more pervasive than I originally thought it would, and I've found that it has spilled over naturally into my relationship. Now, that's not necessarily a bad thing, but M suggested that I might want to be more up front and honest with B about it, as it's her right to know what my honest feelings are about the relationship.
The other face of the dilemma has to do with the day-to-day acting that goes on in the relationship, and whether or not that's meaningful, too. By that, I simply mean that I've found myself slipping into these communication and acting patterns with B that don't really seem real to me anymore. I mean, aside from the fact that nothing really seems real to me anymore, I genuinely don't find myself to be actively engaged in this relationship anymore, except to the extent that I will myself to be. I was curious to know if M thought that basic approach to my relationship was meaningful, and worthwhile discussing with B. She seemed to think that it was, since it may very well represent a radical difference in fundamental feelings and approach in our relationship, and it's not fair not to let B know how I'm really feeling. Add that to the recent discussions we've been having about kids, and... Well, it just seems like we should probably have a good honest talk about all this.
Ach - all challenging stuff, this, especially when you consider that it doesn't really make much of a difference to me whether or not I'm here. Again, returning to the same dilemma, then: Should I be involved in a relationship like this about which I care relatively little in the grand scheme of things? Granted, nothing specific holds much importance to me anymore in and of itself, but what meaning is the relationship to me, really? Is there any harm or good in playing out the charade for B's benefit? Is she aware of my true feelings? Would she be hurt if she knew? Isn't it bad for me not to be honest with her? Am I hurting her in the long run by not being honest today? I've just been carrying on status quo for awhile now, and haven't really discussed any of this with her. I've been scared to hurt her feelings, which is... selfish, and inconsiderate, and probably even insulting to her intelligence and maturity. No matter what happens, I can take it. And so can she. We're both grown adults and we can go through this without killing ourselves. Whatever this will be. I continue to hold out for the best case scenario, as I usually do and as normally becomes the case: I tell her how I feel, she understands, she accepts it, and we continue in peace and harmony as we have basically been doing so far.
AUGH! Then why even raise the topic for discussion?!?!?!
Clearly, I need to think about this some more. It has helped to write out some thoughts about it now, though.