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all discussion much appreciated
Had a bit of a crisis there this morning. I appreciate very much the dialogue and comments exchanged today with various people; together, those connections managed to keep me grounded.
Hmm... That sounds pretty flakey. But that's just the way it feels to me, and all I can do is describe how I feel. I mean, as long as we're having this discussion at all.
Gave some thought today to whether or not I'm going deeper, and eventually, discarded that thought too. I'm amazed by the little tricks your mind will play on you just for something to do; just to keep some dreamed-up process on track or something. Eventually, you must give up the questioning, too.
So, giving up the questioning now...
Observing its flight away from me, that bird it was, fluttering around in my head...
Had more deep conversations with J today, and revealed to him more of what I've been referring to as my natural inclination. As the day progressed, I noticed my conception of it as an inclination at all, to anything, was fading fast. Indeed, as he gently suggested that the inclination as described would not necessarily lead to the nirvana I was seemingly idealizing it to be, it Occurred to me that what I was describing was only another idea, another thought, and another question. As suspected, a question begot from another and then ten more from each of those, and so on. A constantly expanding web of inquiry which, if mapped into a three-dimensional model, would undoubtedly resemble some sort of fractal geometric pattern or something. Some kind of totally random, or totally natural, order of events, interlocking here, connected at points A, B, and C, and so on.
And so on. And so on.
It's 100% time for me to stop talking now. Must continue to clean up after painting and tidy in general before B comes home from her riding lesson. I wasn't bad today with LJ - overrode my addiction to it for most of the day (save 3-4 brief sessions of <5 min ea), and made lots more progress on The Task. I was dreaming to think that I could get it finished by Monday night - last night - I know. But I felt the need to articulate a clear goal, even if it was an unrealistic goal, to get me spurred into any sort of constructive action.
Hmm... That sounds pretty flakey. But that's just the way it feels to me, and all I can do is describe how I feel. I mean, as long as we're having this discussion at all.
Gave some thought today to whether or not I'm going deeper, and eventually, discarded that thought too. I'm amazed by the little tricks your mind will play on you just for something to do; just to keep some dreamed-up process on track or something. Eventually, you must give up the questioning, too.
So, giving up the questioning now...
Observing its flight away from me, that bird it was, fluttering around in my head...
Had more deep conversations with J today, and revealed to him more of what I've been referring to as my natural inclination. As the day progressed, I noticed my conception of it as an inclination at all, to anything, was fading fast. Indeed, as he gently suggested that the inclination as described would not necessarily lead to the nirvana I was seemingly idealizing it to be, it Occurred to me that what I was describing was only another idea, another thought, and another question. As suspected, a question begot from another and then ten more from each of those, and so on. A constantly expanding web of inquiry which, if mapped into a three-dimensional model, would undoubtedly resemble some sort of fractal geometric pattern or something. Some kind of totally random, or totally natural, order of events, interlocking here, connected at points A, B, and C, and so on.
And so on. And so on.
It's 100% time for me to stop talking now. Must continue to clean up after painting and tidy in general before B comes home from her riding lesson. I wasn't bad today with LJ - overrode my addiction to it for most of the day (save 3-4 brief sessions of <5 min ea), and made lots more progress on The Task. I was dreaming to think that I could get it finished by Monday night - last night - I know. But I felt the need to articulate a clear goal, even if it was an unrealistic goal, to get me spurred into any sort of constructive action.