Before dinner
Jan. 13th, 2001 06:45 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
iamomSat 13 Jan
Despite the many examples in the readings, I suppose it's not natural for self-realization to sink in deeply, immediately. As usual, I feel like I'm getting more glimpses here and there - I can't always hold onto it for long, but I try. I'm getting better at keeping my eyes open more often, anyway.
I've enjoyed this week quite a bit for the extended periods I've spent glimpsing. I feel like I know a secret not everyone else knows. When I'm in public, it's easy to feel like I'm the only one who knows; how could I tell if some stranger on the street would understand what the world looks like to me now?
A question occurred to me earlier: What is the meaning of suffering? What is its context for one who understands? Happiness (what I feel right now) is lovely and pleasant, so it doesn't hurt to let it sit in its own meaningless context. But suffering, after all, feels quite real and painful to most who are going through it. Is it cold or unfeeling for one who understands to dismiss suffering just as much as happiness? Isn't it easy (indeed, too easy) for me to do that, since I live such a comfortable life?
If I suddenly became impoverished, lost my money and family and things, I would essentially be fine. I know that. It would be part of the dream, and I would accept it. But if I had been born into poverty or other suffering, could I have developed any insight into my true condition (that which is understood by one who understands?)
This is only a dream. The pain or pleasure I feel is here for the enjoyment or for the fear of it, as I see fit or wish to feel at the time. How I mold the energy manifested in my own mind, thoughts, speech and actions is entirely up to me, my whim, and my will. (At least, in theory - it's not like my will is strong enough for total control yet...)
But who is this me? I must at some level be discernibly different from the guy sitting at the table next to me, mustn't I? If we weren't different in some way, we wouldn't have unique identities and personalities and forms. How the hell is this structured, anyway? At what level am I being me (in the human form), and interacting with other people? Who is the one who's having all of these realizations this week? If I don't really exist (in my human form, or if I exist as a fragment of the imagination, a character in the dream), then who is writing this right now? Why am I even writing? What is making me interested in sitting here, writing this down? Why am I doing this???
(5-minute break)
In 15 minutes, I'm going to meet some people for dinner at a restaurant. My aversion to small talk has welled into a complete inability; I suddenly don't feel capable of carrying on conversation right now - I only feel capable of silence. This silence also feels like the normal (and more natural and desirable) state in which to be, which makes me wonder if those who understand are sometimes inexplicably prone to antisocial behaviour. It's certainly a mental and willful workout to engage in regular conversation when you feel this way.
Despite the many examples in the readings, I suppose it's not natural for self-realization to sink in deeply, immediately. As usual, I feel like I'm getting more glimpses here and there - I can't always hold onto it for long, but I try. I'm getting better at keeping my eyes open more often, anyway.
I've enjoyed this week quite a bit for the extended periods I've spent glimpsing. I feel like I know a secret not everyone else knows. When I'm in public, it's easy to feel like I'm the only one who knows; how could I tell if some stranger on the street would understand what the world looks like to me now?
A question occurred to me earlier: What is the meaning of suffering? What is its context for one who understands? Happiness (what I feel right now) is lovely and pleasant, so it doesn't hurt to let it sit in its own meaningless context. But suffering, after all, feels quite real and painful to most who are going through it. Is it cold or unfeeling for one who understands to dismiss suffering just as much as happiness? Isn't it easy (indeed, too easy) for me to do that, since I live such a comfortable life?
If I suddenly became impoverished, lost my money and family and things, I would essentially be fine. I know that. It would be part of the dream, and I would accept it. But if I had been born into poverty or other suffering, could I have developed any insight into my true condition (that which is understood by one who understands?)
This is only a dream. The pain or pleasure I feel is here for the enjoyment or for the fear of it, as I see fit or wish to feel at the time. How I mold the energy manifested in my own mind, thoughts, speech and actions is entirely up to me, my whim, and my will. (At least, in theory - it's not like my will is strong enough for total control yet...)
But who is this me? I must at some level be discernibly different from the guy sitting at the table next to me, mustn't I? If we weren't different in some way, we wouldn't have unique identities and personalities and forms. How the hell is this structured, anyway? At what level am I being me (in the human form), and interacting with other people? Who is the one who's having all of these realizations this week? If I don't really exist (in my human form, or if I exist as a fragment of the imagination, a character in the dream), then who is writing this right now? Why am I even writing? What is making me interested in sitting here, writing this down? Why am I doing this???
(5-minute break)
In 15 minutes, I'm going to meet some people for dinner at a restaurant. My aversion to small talk has welled into a complete inability; I suddenly don't feel capable of carrying on conversation right now - I only feel capable of silence. This silence also feels like the normal (and more natural and desirable) state in which to be, which makes me wonder if those who understand are sometimes inexplicably prone to antisocial behaviour. It's certainly a mental and willful workout to engage in regular conversation when you feel this way.
