fey watches herself get buried

Your choice of words in relation to their underlying meaning jumped out at me when you said you weren't very "conscious of my own existence." This is a semantic point, but I think an important one: Consciousness isn't something you can control - it's like the fundamental building block of our existence, awareness, humanity, whatever. We are because we are conscious. We can't be conscious of our existence.

So if you'll forgive me for nitpicking again, I think what you mean is that you don't feel aware of it. You feel intuitively that there's something deep and important you're supposed to be aware of, and you also feel like being enlightened has to do with maintaining your awareness of such, and whenever you feel this tired, detached feeling, you feel like it must be a "bad" thing because your awareness has wandered from the important stuff: our existence, our consciousness, God, or whatever else you want to call it. The word "awareness" in this context describes a human state; it connotes that of which our human minds are aware, or that which appears in our minds as a wakeful, aware thought.

But on to the important stuff, on being disturbed by the feeling of detachment: What is it you're really becoming detached from? Is it anything you need to worry about losing? Will some of what you detach yourself from be stuff about yourself you just don't need anymore? If so, would that be such a bad thing? sometimes add, but oftener, take away - applies to our own personalities, too.

You ask yourself this very question exactly when I would have: Who am I, really? Is anyone really feeling these feelings, thinking these thoughts? Doesn't it feel like I'm just watching my life sort of live itself, playing out its sequence of events according to its own nature, or in short, just being itself?

Worrying about what we're aware of, how much we understand this, whether or not there are internal barriers to our own self-realization; these are all games we concoct with our minds to entertain ourselves (or maybe to drive ourselves crazy!) and just generally to fill up our time. After all, we are these introspective, spiritual, and philsophical beings whose chief activity, purpose and sense of fulfillment come from looking within and understanding ultimate reality. What the hell ELSE would we be thinking about on such a regular basis?

There's no "me" to go inside of and figure out. Keep going deeper, and I guarantee that you'll always find new barriers, new lessons, new experiences to behold and to learn from, to intensify and broaden your journey. If one acknowledges instead that the "i" is just a simple part of nature that needs no further input from you, then...

Life lives itself. Whether or not you feel detached from it makes no difference. It just is.