one of those dialogues with yourself

Much of The Task still awaits. Made certain progress yesterday, but as usual, discovered a possible improvement to the process which results in a short-term time sacrifice for long-term gain. Only problem is, there's not enough time to sacrifice any of it, and I keep ignoring that fact.

Of course, I've always been one to go with my natural inclination, right? And if my natural inclination is not towards this, then how long can I stave off the inner force within me that is compelling me so strongly, so hurtlingly, towards that natural inclination? It goes like this: as I contemplate the deepest physically manifest part of my Self as it is incarnate within my person right now, I see my person moving towards a specific life path, fairly different from what I'm presently doing, beginning almost immediately.

As always, there is a question, a dilemma (for how else could we be manifest on Earth without this constant dilemma, this tearing asunder?): how should I act today, tomorrow and in the foreseeable future in order to realize this natural inclination with the least conflict and/or pain inflicted as possible? (Or even - wait a sec - proceeding without causing pain has been a very traditional model for me that perhaps I could consider discarding at this moment - what if I just disregarded the possible effects in such-and-such manner in this or that area, and just really did let myself flow towards that natural inclination? Perhaps, horror of horrors, the pain wouldn't actually be as severe as I think it would be now, and the positive groundswell of energy I would undoubtedly feel by having allowed myself to proceed towards that inclination would exceed even my wildest dreams now. Perhaps, it would feel Just Fucking Great.)

What are you really doing here?
What are your real duties here?
What are your priorities here?
What is it that absolutely needs doing?
Does it matter where you focus your energy? If so, how?
What makes up this natural inclination you're talking about?
Is this natural inclination incongruent with your present life situation?
___If so, how would proceeding to this inclination be different from what you're doing now?
___If not, does it matter what makes up your present life situation? How?
Why are you asking yourself these questions right now?
Have you ever actually stopped asking these questions ever in your life?
Is it time to stop asking yourself these questions?
Would it matter if you didn't give these questions any more thought?
Is it necessary to understand the most intimate workings of your life situation?

Are you EVER going to STOP ASKING yourself these QUESTIONS?????

And now, a more technical question: How does one change the font selection, size and colour in raw HTML?

all discussion much appreciated

Had a bit of a crisis there this morning. I appreciate very much the dialogue and comments exchanged today with various people; together, those connections managed to keep me grounded.

Hmm... That sounds pretty flakey. But that's just the way it feels to me, and all I can do is describe how I feel. I mean, as long as we're having this discussion at all.

Gave some thought today to whether or not I'm going deeper, and eventually, discarded that thought too. I'm amazed by the little tricks your mind will play on you just for something to do; just to keep some dreamed-up process on track or something. Eventually, you must give up the questioning, too.

So, giving up the questioning now...

Observing its flight away from me, that bird it was, fluttering around in my head...

Had more deep conversations with J today, and revealed to him more of what I've been referring to as my natural inclination. As the day progressed, I noticed my conception of it as an inclination at all, to anything, was fading fast. Indeed, as he gently suggested that the inclination as described would not necessarily lead to the nirvana I was seemingly idealizing it to be, it Occurred to me that what I was describing was only another idea, another thought, and another question. As suspected, a question begot from another and then ten more from each of those, and so on. A constantly expanding web of inquiry which, if mapped into a three-dimensional model, would undoubtedly resemble some sort of fractal geometric pattern or something. Some kind of totally random, or totally natural, order of events, interlocking here, connected at points A, B, and C, and so on.

And so on. And so on.

It's 100% time for me to stop talking now. Must continue to clean up after painting and tidy in general before B comes home from her riding lesson. I wasn't bad today with LJ - overrode my addiction to it for most of the day (save 3-4 brief sessions of <5 min ea), and made lots more progress on The Task. I was dreaming to think that I could get it finished by Monday night - last night - I know. But I felt the need to articulate a clear goal, even if it was an unrealistic goal, to get me spurred into any sort of constructive action.