reflections on eating (and the motivation for a healthier lifestyle)

It's no secret to those who know me that I've always struggled with my weight. It's true that I'm not an inherently good exerciser, but I think that the real source of my weight problems can be found in my unhealthy relationship with food. Since my early teen years I've used food as anything but a normal source of physical nourishment: it has been an emotional comfort to me, a distraction from boredom, or a savoury overindulgence for its own gustatory pleasure.

There are probably countless reasons why I'm like this. My wife once pointed out (probably correctly) that I substituted food for emotional support and comfort at an early age when I felt neglected and unsupported in an abusive family situation. But admittedly, I also just genuinely love food (you with me, wickenden?): I love preparing it, I love its smells, its textures, and its tastes. I don't think I'm obsessed with it per se, but I certainly think about it a lot and I often find myself reflecting on what my next meal will be.

Despite many successful attempts at losing weight by various means, I still haven't developed the right attitude toward food that has allowed me to reach and maintain a healthy body weight for the long term. I actually spend a fair bit of time thinking about why this is so, and I often come up with various reasons or strategies that I think will work "the next time." But it seems that no matter how good my intentions are at the outset of a new commitment to lose weight, I falter over time and start giving in to my cravings and lack of restraint. I've been particularly bad with that in the past six months, for whatever reason.

Having said that, I've been noticing some honest changes in myself recently. They seem to coincide with my having started a regular meditation practice, and I think that this practice has helped me to develop a more genuine mindfulness about my state of mind regarding food and my physical health. I've been making better choices about my food and my exercise lately, but for vastly different reasons than before: instead of not overeating because I'm scared of gaining weight, I'm not overeating because I'm paying attention to whether or not I'm actually hungry. Instead of exercising because I'm trying to lose weight, I'm becoming more active because it makes me feel stronger and more flexible. That kind of thing.

A good book I'm reading right now called The Zen of Eating by Ronna Kabatznick (I can't believe that book title hadn't been taken already) is underlining many aspects of this change in me. Here's a relevant quote from page 100:

...when the purpose of restraint relates only to weight loss, you're motivated by tanha, a confused desire that has no relationship to changing or improving your life in a larger context. The control of food for your own sake is ultimately less satisfying and a less powerful motive than the control of food that links you to sources of meaning in life.

Bingo. Stop dieting because you feel you have to; start eating healthfully and mindfully because it's the most natural way to be. I can dig it. And it totally removes the sense of guilt you get when you're trying to be good all the time and then you screw up sometimes. If you're working on an overall healthier lifestyle instead of trying to adhere to a strict diet, then you're not putting nearly as much pressure on yourself and you don't feel the need to beat yourself up if you mess up sometimes. A far friendlier approach to yourself, and I suspect a more effective one over the long term.

So, talk to me in a year to see how I'm doing. That's about how long I figure it'll take to get within spitting distance of that mysterious "target weight" I'm looking for.

another Canadian political joke

For those outside of Canada or not otherwise in the know, things are heating up in the opposition parties' thrust to take down Canada's Liberal minority government. After less than a year in office and a decade of majority rule under the former leader Jean Chrétien, it's widely expected that Paul Martin's Liberals will topple under a vote of non-confidence in the Canadian parliament next week. In that light, the following joke made me laugh a bit when I read it -- I wonder if it would reach Stephen Harper if I e-mailed it to him.

Stephen Harper, head of the official opposition Conservative Party of Canada, was on an unofficial campaign stop in Vancouver. He walked into a curio shop in Chinatown, and while looking around at the exotic merchandise, he noticed a very lifelike, life-sized, bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it was so striking he decided he simply had to have it. He took it to the old shop owner and asked, "How much for the bronze rat?"

The old shopkeeper exclaimed, "Ah, you have chosen wisely! It is $12 for the rat, $100 for the story."

Harper quickly pulled out twelve dollars.  "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story." As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, Harper noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and had begun following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting so he began walking faster. A couple blocks later he looked behind him and saw to his surprise that the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing. Sweating now, he began to trot towards the river. Again, after a couple blocks, he looked around to discover to his horror that the rats now numbered in the millions, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster. Terrified, he ran to the edge of the river and threw the bronze rat as far as he could into its depths. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the river after the bronze rat, and all were drowned.

Harper immediately returned to the curio shop in Chinatown. "Ahhh," said the owner, "You have come back for story?"

"No sir," he replied. "I came back to see if you have a bronze statue of a Liberal."