3 Affairs

Received from my father-in-law. Originally 6 Affairs, I cut them down to the three best ones:

The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.

"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."

She looked down at his shoes. "You lying bastard!" she cried. "You've been playing golf!"

The 2nd Affair

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

"Certainly Sir, that'll be one cent," said the bartender.

"One cent?" the man exclaimed. "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"

"A nickel," the barman replied.

"A nickel?" the man cried. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

"Upstairs, with my wife."

"What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

The 3rd Affair

Jake was dying with his wife at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."

"There's no need to," his wife replied.

"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

She patted his hand. "I know," she said. "Now just rest and let the poison do its work."