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iamomOne of the ways I gauge how things are changing with me is to watch how I react differently to events and situations in my life over time. And even though I don't feel like I have many events or situations in my life right now (notable in and of itself, I suppose), I have certainly noticed a evenhandedness about those that I do have.
B is coming home tomorrow morning after almost a week away, and traditionally, this last day alone would be a time for reflection on the past week, probably some nostalgic feelings thrown in, and a deep, darker feeling of change, next steps, etc. That's just a regular old pattern of mine, especially prevalent at landmarks along the way like the end of a school year, before a move to a new city, etc. I could go on and on about that, and have done so extensively in past journals: analyzing the events of the past week, looking at how this happened, how this spurned that event, how I felt when such-and-such happened, what's going to happen next, etc. But now all that stuff is gone.
(looks under the bed)
Yeah, it's pretty much totally gone. I have some things to do today, and tomorrow I'll pick up B and do some more things, and then the next day I'll get on a plane and see some other people I haven't seen for awhile, and this weekend I'll drive out to my mom's place in the mountains with the dog, and then the next weekend I'll come back into town for my dad's wedding, and then I'll come back home and go back to work, and then I'll start riding in to work with B in the mornings for exercise, and then I'll continue to wrap up loose ends with my company, and then I'll take my business plan to an accountant to pick it apart and figure out some next steps, and then I'll put together the materials I need to get this thing started, and then I'll keep riding more and probably start running a bit each week (I only have two years before that triathlon, after all - need to get started on that soon), and then...
(cracks open head and looks inside)
Yeah, it's pretty much totally gone. I was wrong about all that up there. I really have nothing to do anymore.
from an empty vessel to nothingness
B is coming home tomorrow morning after almost a week away, and traditionally, this last day alone would be a time for reflection on the past week, probably some nostalgic feelings thrown in, and a deep, darker feeling of change, next steps, etc. That's just a regular old pattern of mine, especially prevalent at landmarks along the way like the end of a school year, before a move to a new city, etc. I could go on and on about that, and have done so extensively in past journals: analyzing the events of the past week, looking at how this happened, how this spurned that event, how I felt when such-and-such happened, what's going to happen next, etc. But now all that stuff is gone.
(looks under the bed)
Yeah, it's pretty much totally gone. I have some things to do today, and tomorrow I'll pick up B and do some more things, and then the next day I'll get on a plane and see some other people I haven't seen for awhile, and this weekend I'll drive out to my mom's place in the mountains with the dog, and then the next weekend I'll come back into town for my dad's wedding, and then I'll come back home and go back to work, and then I'll start riding in to work with B in the mornings for exercise, and then I'll continue to wrap up loose ends with my company, and then I'll take my business plan to an accountant to pick it apart and figure out some next steps, and then I'll put together the materials I need to get this thing started, and then I'll keep riding more and probably start running a bit each week (I only have two years before that triathlon, after all - need to get started on that soon), and then...
(cracks open head and looks inside)
Yeah, it's pretty much totally gone. I was wrong about all that up there. I really have nothing to do anymore.
from an empty vessel to nothingness
