jokes

[iamom]

A forty-ish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed with delight. Her
husband watches her for a while and asks "Do you have any idea how
ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care. I just
came from the doctor and he says I have the breasts of an 18-year-old."

The husband said, "What did he say about your 41-year-old ass?"

"Actually, your name never came up," she replied.

-----

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich. The
landlord looks at him in disbelief and says, "But you're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.

"I see your ears are working," says the duck. "Now can I please have my beer
and my sandwich?"

"Sure," says the landlord. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.
What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. After
finishing his beer and sandwich, he leaves to return to the work site.

This continues for 2 more weeks until one day, the circus comes to town. The
ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him,
"You're with the circus aren't you? I know this duck that would be just
brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!"

"Sounds marvellous!" says the ringleader. "Can you get him to give me a
call?" So when the duck comes into the pub the next day, the landlord says,
"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good
money!"

"Yeah?" says the duck. "Sounds great, where is it?"

"At the circus," says the landlord.

"The circus?" the duck asks. "That place with the big tent? With all the
animals, and the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?" asks the
duck.

"That's right!" says the landlord.

The duck looks confused. "But what the hell would they want with a
plasterer?"