(no subject)
Oct. 22nd, 1999 06:00 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
iamomFri 22 Oct
I feel like I'm about to be reborn. I've felt like a baby trying to squeeze my way through to the outside; painful, bruised, obstructed. Some of the barriers may be coming down, though.
Even though I've felt like people and circumstances have been trying to obstruct me, I'm beginning to realize that most of the barriers have been created by me. I've been escaping from myself - or trying to - and I haven't been very well grounded in reality, or my Self. Hm - those are both so similar they're practically synonymous.
I've been kind of dishonest with myself for the past several months, I think. I think I've been placing blame outwardly for a bunch of different things, when I should either be taking responsibility for them myself, or I should be avoiding the situations altogether.
In my defense, I've also been wrestling with some pretty big Life Questions. What kind of a lifestyle do I want to lead? Do I want to be in a committed relationship right now? Do I want to change career paths, or do I want to ground myself in my present situation and see what comes out of it?
One thing that has been woefully absent from this process has been the arrival at any conclusions. I have found it increasingly difficult to feel any more settled in any one direction than any other. I could virtually see myself doing anything at all, so I'm having a tough time narrowing down my choices.
I feel like I'm ready to make some positive lifestyle changes, though. I think I'm ready to start paying attention to what I'm eating again. I'm also ready to start going to the gym again, and ready to stop letting my job permeate my every wakeful moment. (Actually, that has already begun.) Hell, I may even be ready to begin meditating a little, who knows?
I have begun to feel a lot better this week simply by having begun to focus my energies on more positive things at work and at home. I'd like to experiment a little with letting that spin out a little more. There's no telling what kind of previously untapped potential I may find once I get underway. All these things are directly linked, and they all begin from within.
OM... shantih, OM....
I feel like I'm about to be reborn. I've felt like a baby trying to squeeze my way through to the outside; painful, bruised, obstructed. Some of the barriers may be coming down, though.
Even though I've felt like people and circumstances have been trying to obstruct me, I'm beginning to realize that most of the barriers have been created by me. I've been escaping from myself - or trying to - and I haven't been very well grounded in reality, or my Self. Hm - those are both so similar they're practically synonymous.
I've been kind of dishonest with myself for the past several months, I think. I think I've been placing blame outwardly for a bunch of different things, when I should either be taking responsibility for them myself, or I should be avoiding the situations altogether.
In my defense, I've also been wrestling with some pretty big Life Questions. What kind of a lifestyle do I want to lead? Do I want to be in a committed relationship right now? Do I want to change career paths, or do I want to ground myself in my present situation and see what comes out of it?
One thing that has been woefully absent from this process has been the arrival at any conclusions. I have found it increasingly difficult to feel any more settled in any one direction than any other. I could virtually see myself doing anything at all, so I'm having a tough time narrowing down my choices.
I feel like I'm ready to make some positive lifestyle changes, though. I think I'm ready to start paying attention to what I'm eating again. I'm also ready to start going to the gym again, and ready to stop letting my job permeate my every wakeful moment. (Actually, that has already begun.) Hell, I may even be ready to begin meditating a little, who knows?
I have begun to feel a lot better this week simply by having begun to focus my energies on more positive things at work and at home. I'd like to experiment a little with letting that spin out a little more. There's no telling what kind of previously untapped potential I may find once I get underway. All these things are directly linked, and they all begin from within.
OM... shantih, OM....
