returning from India, I AM sinking in
Mar. 28th, 1999 12:00 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
iamomSat 28 Mar
We just returned home yesterday afternoon after 24 hours of travelling from New Delhi. It was a tiring trip, and it has left me in a bit of a daze after having arrived. I can't believe we were in India for a month.
I feel like I have culture shock from being home. I can't believe we're home, with all of these crazy things everywhere, and a car. None of it feels very real to me, and this really doesn't feel like home again yet. I guess it will eventually.
The only reason I wanted to write was to see if by doing so I could get a better hold of my awareness. I still have this detached, floating feeling that makes me feel disengaged from my surroundings at all levels except the physical. It would be romantic to say that my heart or soul is still in India right now, but I don't really think that's true.
In general, I feel like a certain shift has occurred in my awareness. Similarly to last June, I feel like I'm seeing the world with somewhat different eyes. When my senses take in some sight or smell, they seem to perceive them differently. It's kind of like they're being perceived elsewhere, or the perceptions are being interpreted elsewhere, anyway. I notice it the easiest with sight, but I think it's probably occurring with all of my senses. Touch is, I know. Even writing this feels surrogate, somehow.
I seem to see myself differently when I look in the mirror. What it honestly feels like is that the image I see reflected there is an old, comfortable friend, but that there's someone different looking at that old friend's face. The best explanation I can think of is that whatever intellectual understanding I've had of a separate I-ness is now becoming more experiential. I'm now experiencing the I AM in a more continual way than I once did; I'm now residing in the I AM more frequently, or more profoundly, than before.
Before "what," I don't know. I do feel the whole process differently than "before," though. It's no longer a novel, exciting event - it seems to be a little more relaxed, more comfortable, more low-key, but more settled, and perhaps more permanent. Maybe that's why I've been having such trouble understanding it and reconciling it - because it just doesn't feel like anything too specific or groundbreaking anymore. It just feels like nature - like a new baseline...
We just returned home yesterday afternoon after 24 hours of travelling from New Delhi. It was a tiring trip, and it has left me in a bit of a daze after having arrived. I can't believe we were in India for a month.
I feel like I have culture shock from being home. I can't believe we're home, with all of these crazy things everywhere, and a car. None of it feels very real to me, and this really doesn't feel like home again yet. I guess it will eventually.
The only reason I wanted to write was to see if by doing so I could get a better hold of my awareness. I still have this detached, floating feeling that makes me feel disengaged from my surroundings at all levels except the physical. It would be romantic to say that my heart or soul is still in India right now, but I don't really think that's true.
In general, I feel like a certain shift has occurred in my awareness. Similarly to last June, I feel like I'm seeing the world with somewhat different eyes. When my senses take in some sight or smell, they seem to perceive them differently. It's kind of like they're being perceived elsewhere, or the perceptions are being interpreted elsewhere, anyway. I notice it the easiest with sight, but I think it's probably occurring with all of my senses. Touch is, I know. Even writing this feels surrogate, somehow.
I seem to see myself differently when I look in the mirror. What it honestly feels like is that the image I see reflected there is an old, comfortable friend, but that there's someone different looking at that old friend's face. The best explanation I can think of is that whatever intellectual understanding I've had of a separate I-ness is now becoming more experiential. I'm now experiencing the I AM in a more continual way than I once did; I'm now residing in the I AM more frequently, or more profoundly, than before.
Before "what," I don't know. I do feel the whole process differently than "before," though. It's no longer a novel, exciting event - it seems to be a little more relaxed, more comfortable, more low-key, but more settled, and perhaps more permanent. Maybe that's why I've been having such trouble understanding it and reconciling it - because it just doesn't feel like anything too specific or groundbreaking anymore. It just feels like nature - like a new baseline...
