(no subject)
Feb. 28th, 2001 02:00 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
iamomWed-28-Feb-01
I'm locked in. I can observe myself acting out my life's activities and events, but I know I'm not really even alive as that entity who appears to be doing the acting. That person is my winter coat for this season. When the season changes, so undoubtedly will my attire, also.
I'm beginning to accept this truth, but I'm frustrated by even that problem. That is to say, who is doing the accepting? Who is wearing that coat? Whose hand is holding this pen?
I read somewhere that there's a gray area between saints and psychotics. I think if I were to describe the way the world actually appears to me to a medical professional, they might think I was disturbed. But that's irrelevant; that's easily enough avoided simply by not discussing certain things with certain people.
It seems like all action is pointless. Sure, I'll agree that certain actions or thoughts can create certain effects on certain circumstances in certain ways, and that these effects might even develop and grow to cosmic levels. But that too is meaningless to me. There will always be a greater cosmic goal or objective to attain, but what's beyond that? And beyond that? There's more to it than that simple flow of energy from one place to another - I know it.
Actually, I'm not looking for anything at all. I don't want anything. I don't want to reach the gateless gate; I don't want to hear the soundless sound; I don't want to walk the razor's edge of here/not here, of not this/not this. I think all I need right now is a method. Not a method to realize the absolute, but a method which I can use to carry out my life's activities without losing my damned mind.
My mind is shapeless, spilling over onto the floor with every thought and action. How can I carry this mind more carefully? How can I live here and carry on these conversations while knowing that I'm not actually saying anything? I'm not really here...
I must be having trouble reconciling this knowing/not knowing, this awareness of my own awareness of my non-existence. This world is constructed of opposites, but my world is a void. One may be reflected in the other somehow, but there is no possible meaning that can be derived from either one. I am nothing, yet these words are coming from something, aren't they? What is the relationship between the something and the nothing? How is something manifested from nothing?
Would knowing that help me to live in peace in the world?
Look, what I'm really looking for here is your best shot. I'm totally open to any question, any action, any words. Give me your deepest philosophy, your most ragged-edged sword to split me open down the middle. Is it a practice? Show it to me. Is it a meditation? Take me through it. Is it a philosophy? Describe it to me. But help me most with one thing: help me to see how to clarify my own existence and integrate myself fully into the void. Show me how to burn away my person-sense and yet still live on in this world. Impart to me your greatest secrets, even if they blow me apart. I know that everything will be fine after it all explodes. After all, the explosion is just another experience, too.
I am ready. I am...I am. I am. I am.
I'm locked in. I can observe myself acting out my life's activities and events, but I know I'm not really even alive as that entity who appears to be doing the acting. That person is my winter coat for this season. When the season changes, so undoubtedly will my attire, also.
I'm beginning to accept this truth, but I'm frustrated by even that problem. That is to say, who is doing the accepting? Who is wearing that coat? Whose hand is holding this pen?
I read somewhere that there's a gray area between saints and psychotics. I think if I were to describe the way the world actually appears to me to a medical professional, they might think I was disturbed. But that's irrelevant; that's easily enough avoided simply by not discussing certain things with certain people.
It seems like all action is pointless. Sure, I'll agree that certain actions or thoughts can create certain effects on certain circumstances in certain ways, and that these effects might even develop and grow to cosmic levels. But that too is meaningless to me. There will always be a greater cosmic goal or objective to attain, but what's beyond that? And beyond that? There's more to it than that simple flow of energy from one place to another - I know it.
Actually, I'm not looking for anything at all. I don't want anything. I don't want to reach the gateless gate; I don't want to hear the soundless sound; I don't want to walk the razor's edge of here/not here, of not this/not this. I think all I need right now is a method. Not a method to realize the absolute, but a method which I can use to carry out my life's activities without losing my damned mind.
My mind is shapeless, spilling over onto the floor with every thought and action. How can I carry this mind more carefully? How can I live here and carry on these conversations while knowing that I'm not actually saying anything? I'm not really here...
I must be having trouble reconciling this knowing/not knowing, this awareness of my own awareness of my non-existence. This world is constructed of opposites, but my world is a void. One may be reflected in the other somehow, but there is no possible meaning that can be derived from either one. I am nothing, yet these words are coming from something, aren't they? What is the relationship between the something and the nothing? How is something manifested from nothing?
Would knowing that help me to live in peace in the world?
Look, what I'm really looking for here is your best shot. I'm totally open to any question, any action, any words. Give me your deepest philosophy, your most ragged-edged sword to split me open down the middle. Is it a practice? Show it to me. Is it a meditation? Take me through it. Is it a philosophy? Describe it to me. But help me most with one thing: help me to see how to clarify my own existence and integrate myself fully into the void. Show me how to burn away my person-sense and yet still live on in this world. Impart to me your greatest secrets, even if they blow me apart. I know that everything will be fine after it all explodes. After all, the explosion is just another experience, too.
I am ready. I am...I am. I am. I am.
