(no subject)

Wed 5 Jul

This cloudy feeling is getting all too familiar. I don't know if I'm destined for greatness, or for a trailer park. (Or if it matters either way.)

I'm confused about something. Whenever I feel like I'm in a rut personally, I usually think that "the NATURAL course of things seems to be that I should be sitting here, wallowing in my misery for awhuile, and being generally unproductive." Always one to defer my own judgement to the wisdom of the Divine, I've thought to myself, "There must be a reason why I'm going through this again; what is that reason, and what is the lesson I'm supposed to learn from this?"

I suppose I've had as much or as little success as anyone has to learn from my mistakes and experiences, but this latest lesson seems to be persistent and pervasive in its application to me. It has to do with taking over control for my own destiny and life. It involves awareness and understanding of how one can affect the outcomes in one's everyday life. It's about learning how your own actions, in a literal way, can create positive changes in your life.

But where to start?

Question: What are my "critical success factors" for knowing that everything is lined up properly and working out right?

- happy state of mind
- sense of involvement/being fulfilled
- feeling like I'm helping people
- interaction with a variety of people
- spare time to myself
- investing my creative energies in something constructive
- make enough money to be comfortable - enough not to have to worry about anything (not ready for the responsibility of any more than that yet)
- take time off work for travel/vacation/exploration

...

STOP.

What the hell do I mean by this??? WHO CARES when everything is LINED UP - what does that matter? I'm always trying to make sure that EVERYTHING WORKS JUST PERFECTLY, but NOTHING is perfect! Why do I even bother worrying about that?!?!

Let's re-think this process again...

Question: What is my ultimate goal, here?
Answer: To be happy at all times (to exist and live in a positive state of mind as much as possible). To affect positive change in my environment. To broaden my range of contact with other people (and to meet people from other backgrounds). To have many relationships with different people, giving and taking different things from each one (each relationship provides a unique means for social/emotional/spiritual/physical interaction; that interaction fosters parallel growth in those areas within yourself).

Let's munch on that for a little while.