musings about death

I'm reading a book by Dave Eggers called A Heartbreaking Work Of Staggering Genius, and it begins around the time that his mother is dying from cancer. As I read about his family standing around his mother's deathbed, I started thinking about who might be standing around my deathbed when the time comes. If I enjoy the nostalgic feelings now, imagine what I'll be like then. I'll ask B if she remembers this, that, and the other thing, and we'll all recount our favourite stories about such-and-such and so-and-so. I'll die smiling, with love in my eyes for all those who are there. People will be crying, but there will be lots of laughter between the tears, too.

I'll take a stab in the dark and say that this day will occur sometime in the middle of this century - around 2050 - and it shall also take place in the spring. Most fitting time to be reborn, I figure. I don't want to die in a hospital if I can help it, either. I'd rather die at home with family and friends present, instead.

Of course, I could also die in a car crash next week, but I don't really think that's gonna happen. I don't see that on my immediate horizon at all.

musings about work

I wonder how my boss is doing. I'm torn between approaches, here. On one hand, I feel like initiating a hard intervention-style meeting with the president and/or him, demanding that we all acknowledge the reality of this situation and begin planning accordingly. On the other hand, I think I should just acknowledge the reality of the situation myself, and devise creative new ways of getting my job done without his support (he was so wrong when he said he'd be giving us more support now that he's sick - I knew he was out to lunch about that one). Then on the other hand (there are three hands?), I think I should just continue to stand back in the shadows and not really do much of anything new - just maintain the status quo.

I generally seem to be all about maintaining the status quo. It goes with my overall philosophy of life, I guess, which dictates that whatever is happening, is meant to happen, and is happening for a reason, and it's not my responsibility to question why it's happening or try to change it. It's a challenge not to become a totally passive non-participant in your own life if you take that viewpoint to the extreme, but if you remain mindful of that paradox, I think you act accordingly. I think I am, anyway, but who knows if it's successful? Being successful is only another judgement call, anyway. In the end. it doesn't matter who's wrong or right about anything.

low walls, barely there

kundalinidreams
You raise some interesting reflections about non-duality in your journal, but I can't say I have any answers to these questions myself. I more or less simply ditched the entire subject when I couldn't find any satisfactory answers. They may return some day.

iamom
You've more or less ditched the subject altogether? That's interesting. You haven't ditched the self-observation or analysis though, which I have found fundamental to the 'practice,' such as it is, of nonduality.

How would you characterize your world concept right now then, in the light of your recent awakenings and other insights into the nature of your Self?

kundalinidreams
The self observation and analysis is probably a defense mechanism and a habit, maybe even some kind of hard-wiring on part of the brain, than any conscious effort to practice, which I can't do. It seems I can't put effort into anything these days.

I practiced self-enquiry until I wasn't able to and that was my practice. Maybe the self-observation is a way to keep the plates of the mind together for the time the thoughts last? I don't know.

Characterise my world concept? I'd say everything is present as it is except me, a multitude of thoughts and some emotions. I speak and hear myself speak as if from a tape recorder (and you know how nice your own voice sounds when it's from a recording).

Human beings are different containers, self-contained units of awareness, but there is also a big hole at the bottom of this container which is continuous with everyone's, I almost said "bottom", but that would be wrong :-), which is continous with the extended thought sitting behind everything.

Jean Klein was asked how his relationship to friends and family changed after he awakened and his reply was: "There is no relationship because there is no one else."

I'd say that is a truth which could be modified, but seeing how low the walls between one individual person is to the other disturbed me at first. Now I'm marvelling at how low these walls really are.